One of my favorite quotes from a modern fiction writer (ND Wilson) is “our feelings are liars”.
Feelings speak to us about the world around us.
I’ve found this idea that “our feelings are liars” to be true in so many situations, whether it’s my own feelings, those of my wife, or children, those of close friends, or those far off.
Unfortunately, when we feel very strongly about something, we become deeply convinced that those feelings are truth. When those feelings drive off the cliff into anxiety, panic, and depression, it can feel like all is lost and nothing will ever be right in the world again. Sometimes that darkness feels complete. Like the great darkening of the sky before the gathering of the five armies in “The Hobbit”.
In that moment, we need another voice
The stronger the prediction of doom, the more deeply that person needs a confident voice in their life to say “you’re wrong”. And sadly, the more deeply one believes that doom filled prediction, the worse they will respond to being told they’re wrong. It is a great kindness and patience to be willing to suffer a hard-edged response from someone.
It is a great kindness and patience to be willing to suffer a hard-edged response from someone.
To fix or not to fix
Anxiety tends to dig into people and tell them that there’s a massive problem that must be fixed or all is lost. It tells us there is only one option: to fix that problem.
The easiest thing to do is to affirm, assuage, comfort, and help someone in the grip of anxiety. From the outside, we can often see the dissonance between reality, and what that person (or ourselves!) is feeling, and it’s very confusing to know what to do. While that person does need someone who cares and has compassion on them, it is not loving to affirm with your response that this anxiety is the right way to handle the situation.
A person in this anxious storm usually feels a profound loneliness that’s rooted in the fact that they’re the only one who perceives the world this way. They long to have their story heard so someone will agree with what they are feeling, jump into the hurricane with them and fix the leaky ship.
Often in the anxious darkness, the only safety a person feels is when the feelings are being heeded, and the threats are being attended to. The anxious feelings are saying that they are the only salvation. They define a path forward, and often require you to assume the worst, and prove it wrong.
Break the cycle
While the problem that triggered this panicked state is almost always real, the perceived threat it poses to that person is not. That person desperately needs someone to compassionately say “put your feet down, you’re not drowning, the water is two feet deep.” As opposed to “I’m so sorry you’re drowning! What can I do to help you tread water a bit longer and patch the holes in the ship?”
That person needs to be snapped out of the disfunction, not affirmed that its right to attend to those lying feelings.
And that person may be you.
The next time you find yourself or a loved one has crossed into the depths of anxious darkness, remember: before you start solving problems, kindly, gently, compassionately tell them the feelings are liars, and they’re going to be okay.
Speak a true song
If you don’t know what else to say, turn to the Psalms. There are multitudes of verses that identify with, and speak the deep truths to the anxious ones. Here’s one.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.
I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.
Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.”
Psalm 37:23-28
“Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.”
Psalm 127:1-2
Failure is not Failure
And it might just help to remind them that failure is part of God’s way for us. He does not expect perfection, nor does he want us to strive for it. Our striving should be after Him! He does not expect us to restore order to the world, only to be willing participants where He is doing that work. His way for us takes only weakness, lowliness, and humility.
“For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.”
Proverbs 24:16
“Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.”
Psalm 37:16
“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth.”
Psalm 46:10
“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 1:26-31
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