We often don’t know people as well as we think we do. And that doesn’t mean we don’t love them.
To Know Someone
How do you know someone? Observation and communication. Observation can reveal some very helpful things about a person, but communication is the only way to peek into the inner life of a friend.
I’ve noticed that generally people think the quality of their communication is measured by intent – what they meant to say. For those who are a bit more nuanced, they may measure it by a few more things:
- Intent
- Accuracy of Content
- Manner of Delivery (Tone, sentence structure and other non verbals)
With that baseline, we all sort of stumble around in the dark with a very high view of how well we communicate.
It’s easy to see the problems that arise using intent as the only measure for communication. If I say I’ll be done with work at 4pm and I really in my head intended to say 5pm, the mark has been missed. Add accuracy to that, and you can get a little further. I intend to stop working at 5, so I say “I’ll be done at 5”. But I may say it in a very snippy and spiteful manner, or a defeated and reluctant manner. I may only say the number five. If I go further and have a very winsome way of saying I’ll be done at five, I’ve still only released information out to the void.
What then can add to fill up this picture of what communication is?
What Is Communication?
Communication is the process of transferring information from one person to another. That information often includes events, emotions, qualitative judgements, commands, and descriptions all combined.
We can evaluate the effectiveness of communication by the accuracy of the understanding after the recipient has done the work to interpret, and assess all of the sources of information they are able to receive.
The correctness of the understanding after the recipient has interpreted the communication effort is the responsibility of BOTH parties.
The level of correctness can only be determined by the person originating the information. The speaker has a greater responsibility. It is worth noting that they are also the authority. However they do not bear the whole responsibility.
The level of correctness can only be verified by the recipient relaying back what their interpretation of the communication resulted in. Therefore the recipient has a high responsibility to verify that their interpretation is correct.
Ask Good Questions
Asking good questions is essential to this process. The greatest responsibility is on the recipient to ask questions to fill in details, ask for definitions, verify assumptions and validate value judgements.
Asking good questions is essential to this process. The greatest responsibility is on the recipient to ask questions to fill in details, ask for definitions, verify assumptions and validate value judgements.
Too often people will hear the slightest scraps of information and take a shortcut by getting creative and filling in all the details and assumptions and motives. Doing that, you end up with an unvetted work of fiction. You have done this.
Both parties are responsible for reaching a consensus that they believe the information is correct. Then begins the fun.
The final step to knowing someone is to understand how they experienced what you’re discussing.
Find Out How They Experienced It
The goal is for the recipient to understand not only facts, events, judgements, problems, etc – but also to understand how the person experienced those things.
This in fact is the only way to understand a person. Until you understand how and why they experienced what they are describing, you merely know facts about their life.
Without understanding the person, all you will know is facts and you will with almost 100% certainty interpret those facts through how you yourself would have experienced them. Or at least how you imagine you would have.
In reality our perception of how we would experience something has a high probability of being wishful thinking.
If you’re not careful, what you end up with is a work of fiction based on a work of fiction about some facts that this person told you. And that ends up being what you believe about who that person is. You assign that work of fiction to be your understanding of that person.
If you’ve taken the shortcut, all your friends are actually just who you think you are interpreted through different circumstances.
If you’re patient, when the communicator senses this disconnect you will allow that person to modify that work of fiction. When you allow that, if you’re not careful, you will only allow them to modify the facts. Then you run it through your fictional idea of how you would have experienced that.
If you’re careful, you’ll allow them to modify your understanding of how they experienced it. And if you really try and are aware of your tendency to do this, you might just be careful enough to allow them to define for themselves how they experienced an event. Only then do you know the person.
Right and Wrong
And here’s the thing. How someone experiences life is never wrong. It just is. It’s who they are. It may be based on wrong information, or beliefs that aren’t right, or incorrect Assumptions. But it’s still who they are.
It may be based on wrong information, or beliefs that aren’t right, or incorrect Assumptions. But it’s still who they are.
Understand the experience. Know the person.
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