Our church is probably like your church, a strong vibrant women’s ministry filled to the brim with all kinds of studies, events, and parties. However, if your men’s ministry is anything like most churches it more closely resembles a yearly physical or begrudgingly visiting an ornery relative every few months.
But why?!?
What is it about men or men’s ministry that makes it so hard to build community and have ongoing ministry? I’ll offer up eight observations but would love to hear your insights in the comments.
1. Men are wired differently
This isn’t to say men don’t love friendships and community or that they can’t greatly benefit from them. It is more along the lines that they don’t feel the need as strongly or aren’t aware of the need for meaningful relationships.
Most men (regrettably) do not crave a David-and-Jonathan brotherly bond. This “wired differently” aspect has filled many books but one quick further thought… Oftentimes the hesitation to build deep bonds comes from another more typical male facet, the hardened defensive shell.
If you let someone in close to you relationally they will inevitably see you for who you are and see you as you really see yourself. They will see the chinks in your armor, know your weaknesses, and be acquainted with your fears… now THAT is an intimidating prospect to most men.
While women may view a women’s event as a break or something fun, men may view an event as intimidating, threatening, and an occasion for unwelcome vulnerability.
Women tend to be more socially-oriented. Men tend to be more self-sufficient
2. Men are reluctant to publicly dive into deep waters
Men tend to be great at talking sports, about their work, and trivial news and politics. We’re not as good about diving deep with each other and opening up to share our weakness and frustration.
Spiritual growth is hampered when a lack of transparent honesty doesn’t allow others to speak into our lives.
It takes a long time to build up trust to go deep. I’d venture to say this is also an argument for keeping men’s groups small. It takes a while to build trust, even within a small group. This also necessitates months of community (read: a lot of actual time!) to get to this point.
3. Men lead differently scheduled lives
This one is hard to generalize because college men, newly wed men, men with families, empty nesters, and retirees – they all have different scheduling difficulties.
Let’s take the broadest swathe, the employed family man. Likely mid-20s to mid-60s – a 40 year sweep. For this man life is probably pretty tightly and predictably scheduled.
They get up early, go to work, and then come home in time for dinner. Once home, they understandably need to hit the ground running on work shift #2 and pay attention and build up: wife, kids, home activities, errands. This second shift is demanding.
It is this tightly scheduled life that makes it harder for most men to be part of a regular Bible study. Now, in some ways the predictability should make it easier. However, it seems most men when confronted with an opening in their schedule need downtime of some sort, often alone. They want a break from pressure and demands.
A small note on the “what then do we do”… the wise men’s ministry planner should be careful about how demanding of time a study/commitment appears to be. Having intensive and demanding studies is great but sometimes there may need to be a rhythm and habit before there can be depth.
Many Godly men have found ways to pursue spiritual growth in isolation. This isn’t ideal and it is a tough road. We’re meant to strive together – think of Jesus sending out his disciples in pairs.
4. Men are pragmatic
For a men’s activity to thrive it needs tightly defined parameters so that the men who lead highly structured and planned lives are not threatened by the potential of a neverending breakfast or a meeting that cuts into other activities.
Some men like to casually hang around and banter. Most men need this kind of thing. That doesn’t mean it isn’t still awkward and difficult. An unstructured event magnifies this danger. This might be why some men avoid men’s social events at church. A well-run men’s event is a marvel to watch, there is usually an efficient gathering and an equally quick dispersal.
5. Men often lead lives burdened by work
Sidenote, it would be foolish to compare men and women and talk about “who has it harder”. Comparisons are usually unproductive at best and impossible at worst. Contrasting on the other hand can be helpful to understanding.
There is a higher concentration of male-employment often supporting their wives as “stay at home moms” doing important work. This pressure of being a breadwinner is higher particularly if the wife stays at home. This pressure means men will sacrifice time developing themselves spiritually in pursuit of better monetarily supporting their family.
We’re now in “explanation not excuse” territory but many men have really demanding work schedules and some are in a fight just to provide for their family. When that is the battle it is hard to put a priority on your own spiritual growth and discipleship when your kids eating and losing the house to an unpaid mortgage are in view.
However, while this is an explanation – to let it be an excuse shows a lack of faith that God will provide (AKA Earthly Pragmatism). We’re not called to give up pursuing God and personal holiness for the sake of providing well. We should be in a mode of striving to do what is right in all areas and trust God will provide – especially when it looks to be impossible.
6. Men’s priorities are all screwy
Men are often making really poor decisions on spiritual leadership and priorities. Action implies preference and judging by how men act, they often don’t prefer leading or investing in their spiritual development / discipleship. This failing is as old as the fall…
Their needs to be a constant call-to-arms for men rising up and caring about spiritual matters. Their own spiritual development, personal holiness, family worship, all of these things get pushed way down on the priorities list. Men’s ministry is just another casualty.
7. The modern male leadership deficiency
This topic is highly charged and loaded with nuance. I’m not arguing for “the patriarchy” to rise up or some sort of Eldridgian renaissance where men pick up guns and start howling at the moon.
This is all about the tides of culture. There has been a slow shift over the last 50 years towards men being more submissive, docile, neutered, effeminate, and weak. Hollywood paints a constant picture of male buffoonery. The traditional complementarian view of marriage is quickly becoming a rarity.
But this isn’t about the attack, the real travesty is the willing and even delighted surrender. Many men in my generation are happy to placidly sit on a couch and lead a life directed by others. It is the easy route, the comfortable and soft lull of a life without the perils and pain of making a difference.
Kevin DeYoung’s fantastic book Just Do Something describes this lethargic impassivity and the prescribes good medicine to treat it.
8. The church isn’t sounding the call or admonishing
It can be hard to encourage proud men to do things or tell them they are missing the mark. This must be done with respect but needs to be a firm admonition. Men probably don’t get challenged enough by the church to lead bible studies, pursue personal holiness, or lead their families at home. There is a call that isn’t being answered – but the church may not even be sounding the call.
Who is most active in the modern church? In most it is the women. I don’t think this is because women have bullied and pushed to be the ones manning the machinery of the church – this phenomenon is better tied to the sad failure of men to rise to the occasion. It is a glad surrender of responsibility.
This is a tangent but I don’t want to paint the church as a pie of power to be divided between men and women. It would better be envisioned as a giant factory with each person and gender doing important jobs. If the men are hiding in the basement playing Call of Duty, someone has to step in to do the work they should be doing. The problem is, if men don’t do “men’s ministry”, this is one area where women aren’t able to step in and fill the vacuum nor should they.
What do we do with this reality?
Pray for grace and looking towards the only one who can help is first-most the answer. Beyond that a lot of this is just being aware of the problem and striving to rise above our inclinations.
As the American church scene is becoming more polarized and the sheep are being separated from the goats, we also might be seeing a newfound seriousness in the men of the church. There are bright glimmers of hope and it appears men may want to get involved in church and revitalize a men’s specific ministry. Now we just need to figure out the how…
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