I’ve had the misfortune of watching many male friends and relatives date / court Christian girls and continually hit the same brick wall again and again. It manifests itself in several ways but when it comes down to it there is an unwillingness for Christian women to be bold and take the next step.
This seems to be a trend and it needs to be addressed. Dating relationships end up stuck in a stilted adolescence and often never mature.
Sometimes men need to be taken to task and sometimes women. Today I am focussing on the woman’s side of the equation. For a brilliant book on the issues plaguing young men I recommend Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung.
I’m going to omit couching statements and situational exceptions for the sake of clarity. Approach this subject with wisdom and know I am speaking in broad brush strokes.
As an aside…
A generous amount of the current trouble with the relational tango-to-marriage is due to being in uncharted relatively-new territory. Unlike centuries past, parents aren’t likely heavily involved in choosing your mate. Also, there aren’t longstanding cultural customs and traditions. And if there are cultural norms they are likely treacherous… like kissing on the third date, all your time being alone together and at night, dates of frivolity not substance, and of course promiscuity. Modern youth are adrift in a crappy boat with no well-worn route of wisdom to reach a destination.
What seems to be the matter, dear?
A godly man is pursuing you, he seems to value the same things and have similar general life goals. Yes, he is imperfect and a bit bumbling with romance and, like you, he fights being a product of the times.
So why, when he pushes for the relationship to become more serious, do you freeze like an armadillo in the headlights, turn tail, and become irrational? This is what you profess to want; why does it then become unthinkable?
I’d like to suggest 6 common culprits for women fleeing marriage or delaying it…
1. The Dashing and Disastrous Mr. Darcy Strikes Again
You’ve grown up with romantic narratives all around you. And they’re not all bad, they just aren’t reality. Most men are not romantic by nature and most will be in a lifelong pursuit of being romantic.
Song of Solomon makes it seem easy. Worse, you’ve allowed your magazines, Gosling-led flicks, and Jane Austin to convince you that the man for you will sweep you off your feet amidst raid drops falling on a field of rose buds while a nearby orchestra plays up to a crescendo.
When you don’t hear the violins you assume something must be wrong. Your heart isn’t pitter pattering, he can’t be the one!
2. The Fear of Settling
Why take the next steps with this guy, there could be someone even more perfect. You’re holding out for perfection.
You wouldn’t put it so crassly but my guess is that by the time you are single in your 40s and looking back over the men you dated, there are likely going to be some honest-to-goodness solid choices you passed on.
I was given the advice to make a notecard with all the things you are looking for in a mate and use that as a guide. There will be a section on that card of non-negotiables but that section needs to be a lot smaller than you think and it may only have two items, are they Christian and are you attracted to each other. And then once you are married you need to rip up that card.
3. You were the chosen one!
Bad Anakin reference aside, you have bought the culture’s lie that every person has some perfect soul mate. Someone who is the perfect match… strong where you are weak, on the same wavelength, same values, hopes, dreams, and even hobbies.
That stuff is nice but again, mostly unrealistic. Part of what makes marriage so sanctifying isn’t that you are perfectly compatible, like all the same stuff, and feel all the same way. The growth comes largely in areas where you are dissimilar.
4. Happiness isn’t the Pot at the End of the Relationship Rainbow
You’ve saddled up your man with salvific expectations. He will make you happy and all your dreams will come true. In the dating phase there comes a point when you realize you aren’t content, happy, and saved to life everlasting. You realize this man isn’t a god, you must find another!
In your subconscious mind, his role isn’t to lead you on a together-quest of glorifying God, it is to make YOU happy? hmmmm
5. Still Have Life to Live
The thought of linking arms with someone and tethering yourself sounds limiting.
You need to travel, experience the world, be settled in all your convictions, earn your degrees, land your dream job, learn how to not make mistakes, become financially independent, “find yourself”, and have your life a tidy organized well-oiled machine. And only then will you consider joining with someone.
Poppycock.
Most everything in your must-do-before-serious-relationship list can be done better in cahoots with someone else. Life doesn’t get easier and two are better than one.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
6. What’s the Rush?
You’re young! Probably somewhere late twenties, what’s the hurry you think to yourself. Why rush into something. You have life to live.
Also rubbish. Finding a good partner gets harder as you get older. There are many reasons for this. Not as painful as singleness but there is also a reality of the difficulty of having children and raising them as you age.
Additionally, if he is pursuing sanctification he isn’t addicted to porn and the two of you aren’t messing around in any fashion. He is still a man who is likely burning with passion – which is how God created him. Extenuating circumstances aside, men and women can’t be close and building an intimate relationship without sexual tension becoming a very real thing. Dating someone for years is not healthy. This is also why once engaged, the shorter the time till the wedding, the better!
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