8 Questions For The Single Christian Man To Confront

You’re single. It may not be your fault. The cultural structure for romance is miserable and the women you’re trying to date might be misguided. BUT, you might be the reason you are single. Besides, you are certainly the reason you won’t be the husband you need to be!

Here’s the admonition (butt kicking) you might need. Take in these questions, churn them over in your mind, and really answer with all the honesty and introspection you can muster.

The answers might change your life.

1. Am I telegraphing the right signals?

Have you ever seen a job interview where the interviewee is telegraphing the fact they don’t really want the job? He’s chewing gum, looking at his watch, leaning back into his chair. (Where’s the Forward Tilt?).

It is clear he doesn’t want the job, or at least is unaware of the signal of disinterest.

Are you doing that in your courtship?

Consider: Do your church activities, hobbies, the job you’re currently working, and the substance of your conversations show that you are ready for marriage? Or do all of those things communicate that you are in the throes of adolescence. As a potential mate contemplates the life you are living, is it clear to them you want and are ready for marriage?

If she is to follow you, and more scary even, depend on you for security, provision, housing, emotional care, spiritual guidance, and more… does what your life is signaling give her confidence or rightly make her nervous?

2. Am I preparing myself spiritually to lead a wife and a family?

You won’t wake up someday and magically achieve spiritual discipline. It is hard work and often drudgery to chase the means of grace.

Are you praying, reading scripture regularly, thinking on and discussing spiritual things? Have you developed a need for regular church gathering as if it was your own heartbeat?

Past performance is an indicator of future success.

Do the hard work of habit-forming and heart-orientation NOW while life isn’t as complicated with multiple schedules, family drama, financial burdens, and all the extra (wonderful) responsibility of being a sacrificial husband.

One of the common mistakes of the modern Christian is to over-spiritualize and mystify what is plain and simple obedience and habits, AKA making the right choice repeatedly.

3. Do I have improper expectations of marriage?

Secular studies of happiness show that often the main difference between fulfilled and happy people and the discontented is one of “met expectations”. An oversimplification for sure, but there is something instructive here.

Are you loading up all kinds of improper expectations on: dating, this “perfect” woman, and marriage?

If you expect:

• You will finally be happy and content
• Life will be easy
• You’ll have all the sexual fulfillment you desire
• Sin struggles will abate
• You’ll finally be respected
• Someone will now dotingly feed, clothe, and clean up after you

Basically, you are looking for someone to serve and worship you as if you were a demigod. Yeah… not only is that hysterically unrealistic, it is unbiblical and most of it will be flipped.

Marriage is wonderful no doubt, but done right it is a daily dying to self – a never-ending sanctifying and humbling experience. (and wait for what kids do…)

4. Am I pursuing a potential wife with courage and leadership?

The egalitarian nature of our society has torpedoed the man/woman dynamic. Men are called to lead (Biblically) but society says that there is equality of roles and responsibilities, thus men shirk this, and stand by waiting for the woman to make the decision or act.

This sin dynamic is as old as the Fall itself.

The husband has the responsibility to lovingly lead his wife, but is often tempted to be passive in the home. The wife has the responsibility to willingly, respectfully submit, but often wants to usurp her husband’s role.

How does this translate to dating and romantic pursuits? You should be in the driver’s seat. The burden rests on you to:

• Determine when you will hang out and the parameters
• Figure out how you will both figure out if you should be married. This might even be a voiced set of known points or timeline.
• Set the tone and level of candor. It is hard to be frank and get deep with meaningful discussion if someone doesn’t leap first and set the example.
• Every year after say age 22 the pressure increases. Don’t waste someone’s time – let them know your intent.

These examples could be multiplied into dozens. The common factors that you must GET are: communicate and act.

5. Am I one of those meant to be celibate?

Almost certainly, the answer is NO.

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7:9

See all of 1 Corinthians 7 for a more full breakdown, but in general, if you are a male with passion and desire, you should seek to be married. The number called to celibacy is extremely small; it is not the norm.

6. Do I understand leadership?

By that we mean “servant leadership”. The mix of boldness, truth, confidence, and strategy – coupled with grace, humility, love, and gentleness. Much like the grace and truth paradigm, we are called to 100% on both sides of the leadership spectrum.

Strong yet kind.
Confident yet humble.
Long range goals yet short range concerns.
Making unpopular decisions yet gentle.

Many men naively think leading their wife / family will be easy. Too often they fall into an unkind authoritarianism or a weakly pushover prostration.

Have you led people before? Some groups of people are more natural for your particular style to lead than others. Take a good look at your style in light of what scripture says about leading.

It is very hard to lead when no one is following. Sometimes that may be unavoidable. The respect of being followed, even when there is conflict, is earned with continual dying to self. Which leads us to…

7. Do I understand biblical manhood

You must recognize the cultural waters in which you swim have terrible ideas of what it means to be a man. There are parts of all the cliche manliness models that are admirable and corrupt. Whether it is John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Ted Mosby, Hulk Hogan, Jason Bourne, or any number of male media icons – they are all poor idols to model.

Take a look at Jesus in the New Testament and what he did in the day-to-day. Since he was 100% full of grace and 100% truth you get these fascinating moments you wouldn’t expect. What does it mean that he drove the money changers out, or hid from crowds, or rebuked the Pharisees, or kindly paid attention to children?

8. Have I matured out of an adolescent self serving mindset

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Ephesians 5:25-30

The often glossed over bit is “gave himself up for her”. This is referring to sacrificing for her. It involves pain, loss, and choosing another over one’s self.

Let’s make this less theoretical. If it doesn’t cause you to wince, you probably aren’t thinking about it correctly…

• Can you imagine eliminating or reducing your devotion to your favorite hobbies for your wife? Video games, biking, golf, hiking, woodworking, watching sports?
• Can you imagine willingly choosing not to hang out with friends or attending events that you desire?
• Will you devote your time, attention, schedule, money, and thoughts towards this greater responsibility, or to your own pleasure?
• Are you willing to be dedicated to two jobs? You may work all day and get home and need to energetically pull a second shift dedicated to your family. There is a good exhaustion you should expect. A bit hyperbolic but here are some good words from Matt Chandler…

In life there is a strong impulse to serve your own desires. For the good of your family you will have to do battle with them and it will hurt.

Whether you are about to pursue a wife, in the middle of the challenge, or already married, these are crucial questions to wrestle with and constantly test yourself against.

They are impossible on your own strength but God gives grace to the humble.